Reflections
by Echoing Bronze
Summary: J/D Set at the beginning of Season 4. Delenn looks back on the night of the sleep-watching ritual. Horribly mushy.


Reflections  
  
by Alaka a.k.a the B5maniac  
alaka@breathemail.net  
  
http://b5maniac.cjb.net  


Disclaimer - The characters are not mine, yadayadayada, all Babylon 5 related stuff copyright of Warner Bros., JMS, PTEN whoever else. Please do not sue me, this is just for pleasure and I ain't getting ANY dosh out of it (unfortunately).  
  
The story is set after Z'ha'dum at the beginning of season 4 where Delenn remembers the night of the sleep watching ritual  
  
SPOILERS for Shadow Dancing/Z'ha'dum.   
  
Anyway, enough of the small talk, onto the meaty stuff...  
  
*********  
  
S  
P  
O  
I  
L  
E  
R  
  
S  
P  
A  
C  
E  
  
Delenn woke with a start. She wiped the beads of sweat off her forehead and reached for the glass of water by her bed as she emotionally recoiled from the dream she had just had.  
  
Every night since Sheridan had failed to return from Z'ha'dum, Delenn had experienced the same dream over and over again. Each time she was always running down a dark deserted corridor and she could hear John crying out her name. The call was always desperate. She would keep running and the voice would grow louder and become more and more desperate. When she finally felt she had reached him she would wake up. To her, he was always out of reach.  
  
Delenn found herself wiping away a tear as she woke fully and realised that John really was out of reach. She refused to believe that he had truly left her but secretly, in her heart, she feared that perhaps the rumours were true. Perhaps he was never coming back.  
  
Shakily, she lifted the bedcovers and with a hand held out to steady her, rose from the bed. Her body was losing its strength quickly since she had begun fasting ten days ago. She did realise the damage she was doing to herself but ever since John left, nothing seemed to matter anymore. In her mind, it was her fault he had gone, her fault that she didn't tell him Anna might still have been alive. She unconsciously wrapped her arms around herself as she remembered how John had taken her by the arms and shaken her violently. She knew that he would never hurt her intentionally but even so, the sheer strength of his anger had frightened her, more so than ever because of the fact that his fury had been directed solely at her.  
  
She also remembered the great sense of loss and guilt she had felt when he had walked out of the room, back turned, and without reply to her confession of her love for him.  
  
Delenn could not recall a moment when she had felt so empty inside, or so alone.  
  
She pushed away the unhappy thought and sat down numbly at the table. Absently grabbing a hairbrush from the table she went to run it through her hair but instantly froze. She had to put it abruptly back down as she closed her eyes and dredged up another memory, this time of the night of Anna's arrival, feeling the hot tears stinging behind her eyelids.  
  
*********  
  
A small smile came to Delenn's lips as she remembered what she had just said a moment ago to in her message to C and C. She had told them to tell the captain that she "awaited his pleasure".  
  
As she replayed those words in her mind she thought to herself how true those words were!  
  
She often wondered what trick of the universe it was for this human, a former enemy, a man for whom her own people gave the name "Starkiller", usually said with a contemptuous glare, a bout of irrepressed rage or a visual flash of disgust or disapproval, could make her, a Minbari ambassador, also a former enemy, so deliriously and boundlessly happy.  
  
She couldn't fathom it some days. But, all that didn't matter. All she cared about was the depth of her feelings for him and the strong sense that she had found her true soulmate at last.  
  
Suddenly, she let out a giggle. How must her message have sounded? There she was, an ambassador to Minbar, a woman of high position, linking in to C and C in the middle of the night, from John's quarters, saying that she "awaited his pleasure"! Delenn could only hold her faith in the woman she had spoken to, to not get the wrong idea, or for that matter, leak out the scandalous information to the public!  
  
Another thought came to Delenn at that point. But did she really not want her to get the wrong idea? Did she actually not mean her words in the sense the woman might have taken it?  
  
Delenn quickly shrugged away the thought and felt herself go a very delicate shade of pink. No, she was there for the ritual, to watch him sleep and no more. She had even told him that herself so she could hardly go back upon her words now, could she?   
  
  
She had to smile again as she remembered the look on John's face when she had first mentioned the sleep-watching ritual to him. The shock relayed in his eyes was so revelatory, very endearing, and really, quite amusing.  
  
Delenn sighed to herself, realising that since she had arrived in his quarters she could not stop thinking about him.  
  
She frowned then. Lately she had taken up this strange human trait. She seemed to have made a habit of sighing to herself softly. This odd, non-Minbari-like occurrence usually happened when she was thinking about John or the two of them together. She did not quite know why exactly she did it but put it down to being done when she felt a heart-felt longing, or an emotion along those lines.  
  
Easing her train of thought for a little while, Delenn silently padded around Sheridan's quarters and had a little look around.  
  
It felt strangely right her being there. Everything around her was alien to her and to her culture, but at the same time strangely familiar. She took this as just another sign of her and John being old souls and of them knowing each other from previous lives.  
  
Knowing it was coming this time she held back the sigh and continued her observations. Perhaps she could go into the kitchen and make John a human beverage; she believed from her own personal research that "tea" would be an appropriate drink, known to calm nerves and soothe tensions.  
  
Just as she began opening several different cupboard doors there was a chime at the door. She felt butterflies rise in her stomach.  
  
"Yes?" she called out.  
  
"Delenn, it's me," came a familiar voice. "May I...come in?"  
  
"John, you do not have to ask to be let into your own quarters," she playfully replied.   
  
She swore she heard the remnants of a laugh as the door swung open.  
  
Sheridan walked in and grinned as he saw Delenn standing in his kitchenette by a load of open cupboards. He walked slowly over to her and mockingly raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Are we making ourselves at home?"  
  
There was a noise as the door closed shut.  
  
Delenn suddenly for no reason felt guilty and tried to stammer a few words of apology.  
  
John's facial expression quickly changed.  
  
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that," he said apologetically, "but...if there's anything that you're looking for," he said, generally waving his hands at the cupboards, "then you have only to ask."  
  
Delenn laughed.  
  
"Actually, I was going to make you a cup of tea, but my knowledge of your quarters is somewhat limited..."  
  
"It's alright, you don't have to," Sheridan said while closing the cupboard doors shut. He turned back to Delenn and smiled at her.  
  
The smile warmed her heart and made her glad. It had been something she had grown accustomed to not seeing very often in recent months. The burden of the war had been laying heavily on him and Delenn sometimes worried how he was coping with it all. Too many times had she seen his tired eyes, and a face betraying his constant sleep-deprived nights and strains of the heavy responsibilities he had put upon himself. To see him happy after all that pleased her.  
  
In reply she said,  
  
"But I have heard tea helps one sleep. How can I observe you sleep if you cannot do so in peace?"  
  
"When one is lucky enough to have you here, who needs tea?"  
  
Delenn felt herself blush a little and turned away slightly, hoping that it did not show. Sheridan coughed and sensing he may have embarrassed her, abruptly tried to change the subject.  
  
"So, er, are you going to watch me sleep wearing, er that, or might that be, um, a little uncomfortable?"  
  
"Oh," Delenn said, looking down at herself. She was still wearing her formal robes. "No, I brought a change of clothes."  
  
"Hmm," Sheridan mumbled, still feeling a little awkward. "Well, if you'd like to change, you can use my bedroom," he pointed, "and you can...ahem...close the glass shutters."  
  
"Of course," Delenn replied, sensing his awkwardness. She swiftly disappeared into the bedroom.  
  
After a few minutes she appeared in between the shutters wearing a blue silk nightie with a blue silk dressing gown over the top. She wrapped it up and tied it at her waist.  
  
Sheridan was obviously pleased at the sight. He smiled appreciatively at her.  
  
"You look...beautiful."  
  
"Thank you," she replied, fiddling with the hair at the nape of her neck. She took a step towards him.  
  
"John," she started, "do you...um, well, you see I have appeared to have left my, hairbrush in my quarters. Do you? I mean, could I possibly..?"  
  
Sheridan suddenly disappeared behind her into his bedroom. Delenn frowned and spun around.  
  
"John, are you...?"  
  
Sheridan didn't reply but instead continued rummaging through his bedside table's drawers.  
  
Delenn could only make out cursing mumblings coming from his general direction.  
  
Just then, he appeared, back from his quest. In his hand he held a black hairbrush. He handed it over and Delenn took it gratefully.  
  
"I hope you do not mind..."  
  
She was interrupted. "Delenn, like I've said before, asking, for anything, is not a problem. Not for you."  
  
"Thank you," Delenn said again.  
  
She weighed the brush thoughtfully in her hand for a moment before slowly proceeding to use it on her own chestnut hair.  
  
From the corner of her eye she could see that John was silently watching her. She thought about saying something but decided against it and continued her daily chore.  
  
Suddenly, she sensed him standing behind her. His hand reached out and touched hers as he asked quietly,  
  
"May I?"  
  
Delenn said nothing; she felt her heart beat a little quicker as she handed the brush over.  
  
Sheridan took it and slowly began to run it through her hair.  
  
A strange yet oddly pleasant tingling sensation went through her body as she closed her eyes and lost herself in the pleasure of the moment. John was taking such care in it, and Delenn wondered how he could make such a dull and sometimes annoying chore into something so meaningful.  
  
Delenn had never had anyone do this for her. It was a relatively new thing to her anyway, never mind someone else doing it. But this felt so different. Different, but right.  
  
All she could hear was her fast heartbeat and John's slow, quiet breaths as a strange silence blanketed the room.  
  
Without thinking she felt herself turn slowly round. There was a soft thud as the brush hit the carpeted floor.  
  
Within a second, she felt strong arms encircle her into a tight embrace as her lips touched his in a passionate kiss.   
  
The tingling sensation resurfaced and her heartbeat grew even faster. After what seemed like an eternity, the couple broke apart. Both were a little out of breath.  
  
Delenn's face was flushed, and she suddenly for no apparent reason felt very shy, so she looked away, averting John's eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..," she began uncertainly.  
  
"Delenn, there is nothing to apologise for," Sheridan assured her meaningfully. "You should never need to apologise for anything to me, alright?"  
  
She nodded ever so slightly. A blaze of emotions tore through her. Masking her fallen expression, she thought,   
  
'But I've kept secrets from you, John. Could you accept apologies if you knew what things I've been hiding from you?"  
  
She pushed the unhappy thought into the farthest corners of her mind and tried to focus on matters at hand.  
  
Her training as Satai came in handy as she effectively hid her emotions and turned to face Sheridan.  
  
"Anyhow," she said, with a faint smile creeping out, "you should be getting ready for bed. I have some watching to do!"  
  
"Of course, my ambassador," Sheridan obediently replied with a flourish, trying to hide *his* smile. "I shall be back shortly."  
  
And with that parting comment, he disappeared into the bedroom.  
  
Delenn sat down heavily on the sofa. She found herself sighing again as she still recovered from the passion of a moment ago.  
  
She realised that her dressing gown had somehow come undone in the heat of that moment so she tied it up again. She then reached over and grabbed a cushion, holding it close to her. It was strangely comforting, and she also liked it because it smelt very "Sheridan-like". She loved anything that reminded her of him.   
  
As she looked at the picture covering the wall in front of her, she remembered how she had used it as a distraction a few months ago in order to add a little...*seasoning* to the flarn John had made.  
  
He was so adorable that day. He'd obviously made a lot of effort, but she decided then and there that she could never tell him what she really thought of his flarn!  
  
Looking back, she also remembered how she had worried when she heard that he had been injured in the attack. It was a very courageous trait of his, always willing to throw himself in the very face of danger to help others, without thinking of the personal consequences, but it was also unspeakably and unthinkably dangerous.  
  
She worried far too much whenever he did something like that, and she couldn't bear to think how she would cope if she ever lost him. She thought that perhaps she should try and ease the habit, for his sake and hers. Her thoughts however were interrupted by the arrival of the figure in question in the doorway.  
  
"If you please, ambassador, I shall be awaiting you pleasure," he said, his hand motioning the way.  
  
Delenn swiftly rose from the sofa and walked in his direction.  
  
"Why thank you, captain," she said, flashing him a winning smile as she continued to walk forward.  
  
Sheridan's eyes twinkled. His whole face lit up and he broke into a winning smile of his own, one which was his definite trademark.  
  
He followed Delenn and closed the glass shutters.  
  
"Well," she said, "are you feeling tired?"  
  
"Actually, yes. But I wouldn't want to go to sleep straightaway, that would make me a bad host."  
  
"But John, that is why I am here. Now go on and get into bed," she said, while sternly pointing the way.  
  
Sheridan gave a sigh of resignation. He could never hope to defy her when she was this determined.  
  
"Yes, Delenn, of course, Delenn, whatever you say, Delenn."   
  
Delenn's face showed the recognition of how he was using words she had said to him not long ago. She frowned at him.  
  
Sheridan laughed.  
  
"Alright, alright, I'm going."  
  
He took off his comfortable robe and slipped in under the bedcovers. After tossing and turning for a minute, he looked at Delenn and said,  
  
"Aw, I can't sleep now, not when I know I am being *watched*."  
  
To which Delenn replied,  
  
"It is a pity we are on a space station. If we weren't, I would get a hose and make it rain for you."  
  
Sheridan smiled at the memory of Delenn making it rain for him on the White Star, and the thought seemed to help him.  
  
"I'll close my eyes and think of home, maybe that will help."  
  
Delenn nodded in agreement. "Then think of happy memories, and sleep well."  
  
"I will," he said quietly. "Thank you." He rolled over and shut his eyes. Within moments he was fast asleep.   
  
Delenn observed the steady rhythm of his breathing as she silently walked over and turned off the lamp. She then began the ritual. As she watched him, she acknowledged deep in her heart that she was fully and completely in love with him, and she always would be. With that, she continued to watch, and admire.  
  
*********  
  
The tears ran freely now. Delenn walked over to the couch and lay down, curling herself up into a ball and crying into a cushion. What was it that she had thought to herself that night? She had thought how she wouldn't be able to cope if she ever lost him.  
  
Now she knew. She made sure that to everyone else, she outwardly appeared to be dealing with it okay, but the reality was so different. She couldn't tell anyone how much it hurt deep within her, of the emotional turmoil she was experiencing, of how it was as if someone was depriving her of air with which to breathe it felt so hard to go on any further. So many nights had she not slept, but simply lay numb and still, thinking about him and dwelling on her guilt. So many times did she lie awake and wish to die if it should ease the pain.  
  
Her body and soul needed to be with its other half, but it couldn't so what could she do? Death appeared to be the only way for them to be together. But she tried not to contemplate it.  
  
If he really was gone forever then she would see him again in the place where no shadows fall, as her fast would continue for as long as he was not there.  
  
Whatever happened, she would see him again. The thought brought her a little peace as her crying ceased and she rested her head against the cushion. She lay still and quiet then and thought of many things.  
  
"Come back to me, John," she whispered quietly, before she closed her eyes and fell into an uneasy sleep.  
  
  
*********  
  
  
"Sleep now, I will watch and catch you if you should fall."   
Ambassador Delenn, Babylon 5.  
  
  
  



End file.
